JUDGE RULES PINK FLOYD FAN CAN GROW HIS OWN WEED
Toronto, ON - A man who uses marijuana to fully enjoy his collection of Pink Floyd albums has been given the green light to grow his own by a judge who ruled current laws governing recreational use of the narcotic were "archaic" and must be changed.

Tony Halmos, who had been charged with marijuana cultivation as well as cultivation for the purpose of trafficking, launched the court challenge under the Charter of Rights and Freedoms, saying his rights would be violated if he was not allowed to grow marijuana to be smoked while listening to the album ‘Dark Side of the Moon'.

Judge Joanne Strickland agreed, saying in her ruling, "though I feel ‘Dark Side of the Moon' is grossly over rated, especially when compared to ‘Rastaman Vibration' or ‘Catch a Fire' -- seminal works from the late Bob Marley -- it remains clear when Pink Floyd composed their songs they did so with a good faith belief those who listened to them would be stoned out of their minds and would only then truly understand and appreciate the numbing tunes."

Then in an unexpected and unprecedented move Judge Strickland went on to declare The Beatles superior to the Rolling Stones and Radiohead better than U2.

As for the victorious Mr. Halmos, his court battles are far from over. A second petition, to smoke hash while listening to Led Zeppelin, is still before the courts and pundits agree a protracted court case is likely.

INJURED MAN SUES PRODUCERS OF KARATE KID
Hollywood, CA - Columbia Pictures, producer of the 1984 martial arts classic The Karate Kid, is being sued by a Tacoma, Washington man. Damian Kindler, a seasonal factory worker, contends negligence by the makers of the film is to blame for him suffering a debilitating rotator-cuff injury while waxing his car.

In the multi-million dollar civil lawsuit, filed in Los Angeles District Court, the petitioner claims that he was hurt while employing the circular "wax on, wax off" technique depicted in the film. In the controversial scene, Mr. Miyagi (actor Pat Morita) asks Daniel-son (actor Ralph Macchio) to wax his car. The feisty teen argues only to later learn that the task was a clever ruse designed to teach him the fundamental blocking techniques of Karate.

"I'm sure if you're some sort of kung-fu master the technique is great," said Kindler. "But I'm just a regular working joe who was trying to wax my car. Now I can't even operate the drill press. How am I supposed to support my family?"

At a hastily organized press conference, a spokesman from legal affairs at Columbia seemed confident. "Now had the plaintiff been injured while employing the ‘crane technique' against an evil bully at the All-Valley Karate Tournament, then that would be a different story. As it stands now, we're treating this as a frivolous nuisance suit."

Jury selection is expected to get underway by the weekend.

PREGNANT JULIA ROBERTS STILL HOT!!!
Manhattan, NY - A visibly pregnant Julia Roberts was spotted dining at chic Manhattan bistro, PLASMA, on Saturday night. Accompanied by her husband, cameraman Danny Moder, the radiant Oscar winner continued to turn heads despite sporting a significantly larger belly.

Fellow diner Jesse Clarke, celebrating his eighth wedding anniversary, was effusive in his praise of Roberts' smoking bod. "I can't believe how hot she is. Look at her [breasts], they're so huge."

Clarke's wife Marlene, a mother of three, was less kind. "Give me a break. She's only six months pregnant with her first baby. Let's take a look at her after she pumps out a couple more."

Roberts is due this fall.

TEACHER ISSUES SUMMER'S FIRST FLATULENCE ALERT
Toronto, ON - A combination of spicy chilli and a suspect batch of oysters has prompted high school teacher Robin Rhodes to issue the city's first flatulence advisory of the season. The alert applies to Toronto, York-Durham, Halton-Peel and extends as far as Hamilton-Wentworth.

The city's Health Department recommends citizens try and stay as far away from Mr. Rhodes' downtown home as possible. Although Rhodes' farts are considered slightly less lethal than Mustard gas or Anthrax, a significant risk remains for people with heart or lung disease. Additionally, those suffering from asthma should probably leave the city for at least two weeks.

For those choosing to stay it is advised they wear light clothing and refrain from strenuous outdoor activity. Senior citizens, small children and pets should remain indoors until the alert is lifted.

Samples of Rhodes' farts are currently being tested by chemists at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT) with the hopes that a pill can be created that will counteract the nasty internal machinations of Rhodes' digestive system. Until then the stomach-challenged educator has vowed to adhere to a strict diet of yams and blueberries.

FORMER TREASURY DEPARTMENT BUREAUCRAT MISSES THE ACTION
Helena, MT - David Constable, an assistant to the Deputy Treasury Secretary for Montana from 1998 through 2002, says that since his voluntary transfer to the state's Transportation department in October of 2002, his life has been a living hell.

"When I first came to Transport I was really excited, but it turns out the department is all about boring traffic congestion reports and monotonous interstate capital construction projects. Over at Treasury there was never a dull moment, whether it was defining rules concerning tax-exempt pooled financing bonds or analysing arbitrage rebate requirements. We knew the work mattered."

Constable has since filed a JF56 form officially requesting a transfer back to Treasury. Leigh Godbold, a Human Resources spokeswoman, doubts the disgruntled employee will be successful. "It's not like he wants to go to Health or Justice. We're talking Treasury, they're the New York Yankees of the civil service. He had his shot and he blew it. I suggest he bone up on his Freeway Grading Ratio Tables or we may ship his sorry butt to Agriculture."