POUTINE REMOVAL SPARKS MONTREAL RIOT
Montreal, QC - Riots broke out early Thursday morning in front of the notorious Montreal eatery, Angus Burger. The restaurant, a favourite among the city's English elite, angered Francophones with the sudden removal of poutine from the menu.

The provocative elimination of poutine, the Quebecois delicacy of cheese and gravy covered french fries, was a move Angus McLeod, the restaurant's owner, had long been considering.

"It's not that I have something against the French, it's just that I don't understand them. Everything is 'le' this or 'la' that. If you don't understand French this is a hard town to run a business in.

"The removal of poutine is a slap in the face to every Francophone in the province," screamed Gilles Gaspe, at an emergency sitting of the provincial parliament. Gaspe, the outraged Parti Quebecois MPP who oversees the Food portfolio, then demanded Angus Burger immediately re-instate poutine on the menu before irreparable damage is done.

At press time eight unfortunate Anglo restaurant patrons were on their way to an area hospital after the angry mob reportedly pelted them with cigarette butts and unused Expos season tickets.

Despite the furor a defiant McLeod has vowed to keep poutine off the menu. "I'll close the summertime ice cream window if I have too. In time, the French will stay out and that's all I really want."

"LOOSE CANNON" COOK TURNS IN SPATULA
Montreal, QC - Renegade short order cook Jackson Archer, a man equally despised by both the staff and customers of Angus Burger, hung up his grease-stained apron for the last time Thursday. The volatile Archer will reportedly explore job opportunities in the tobacco industry, a field where commentators agree his hair-trigger temper will be less of a hindrance.

His surly demeanor and "old school" attitude had long been a thorn in the backside of Angus Burger owner, Angus McLeod. "He's a real piece of work. Why this month alone, he burned out three coffee filters, broke the electric can opener and overcooked the bacon on seven clubhouse sandwich platters."

When asked why he never fired the cantankerous cook, McLeod was very clear. "I was scared to death of him. He's a loose cannon, it's only a matter of time before something sets him off. I'm just thankful that won't be happening here."

For his part Archer, a self-described "son of a bitch," is glad to be moving on. "I was at the end of my rope. If I even had to look at one more grilled cheese sandwich I swear I would have taken one of those ungrateful bottom-feeding customers down."

Angus Burger has placed a Cook Wanted sign in the restaurant window and is currently accepting resumes.

GREEN PARTY JUMPS ON NAME CHANGE BANDWAGON
Ottawa, ON - In a move certain to enrage party traditionalists, the Green Party of Canada has decided to adopt a name change and will henceforth be known as the Mauve Party. A source with close ties to the organization's executive committee indicated years of waning public support for the environmental movement led to the stunning change in direction.

However, another high echelon party member pointed to a fall meeting at which the name change was discussed.

"Despite success in the recent Federal election there was a consensus that although the colour green is representative of nature, it is regardless a boring colour." The member went on adding "I mean, who would paint their house green or for that matter wear green shoes."

A discreetly distributed poll found this was a widely held belief among many of the progressive thinkers in the party.

BLINK, a hip Manhattan-based marketing firm, was brought in to advise on possible new avenues. After conducting numerous focus groups they determined Mauve was the answer. In the report submitted to the group's Board of Directors, Blink concluded "the time of a linear connection between symbols and what they represent is as dead as Michael Jackson's babysitting prospects. Modern research clearly shows most people are as stupid as a bag of hammers and as such are easily impressed by meaningless name changes accompanied by flashy marketing campaigns. For that reason, Mauve is as good a colour as any." The new name takes effect January 1.

LOCAL FISHERMAN SPINS TALL TALE AT DENNY'S
Kenora, ON - Early Tuesday morning avid outdoorsman Steve Bradley was spotted at a local Denny's boasting of the "monster" 15 pound lake trout he had just reeled in. The story so impressed the restaurant's staff that assistant manager Tim Cels presented Mr. Bradley, a retired tool-and-dye salesman, with a free side order of home fries to complement his pancake breakfast.

The modest amateur fisherman reluctantly accepted the goodwill gesture only to later return to the counter to make a startling admission. The sheepish angler, fumbling for words, finally confessed the trout had in fact only weighed ten to eleven pounds.

The shocked restaurant patrons were understandably shaken but Cels, pointing out that it took a lot of courage for Bradley to come clean, decided to only charge him half price for the previously complimentary home fries.

PRODUCER'S NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION DOESN'T LAST LONG
Toronto, ON - Local television producer Dave Brady's New Year's resolution to not be such a chump is sadly over. The ambitious resolution, conceived while filming a documentary in Antarctica over Christmas, lasted a mere nine days.

Reports indicate that on the evening of January 9, while out for drinks at Joe Mercury's, a hip Toronto night spot, Brady announced to drinking buddies Jesse Clarke and Dave Thomas that "after much deep thought, I can't run away from who I am."

The half-in-the-bag former high school calculus whiz added, "I was a chump yesterday, I'm a chump today, and I'll likely be a chump tomorrow. I can live with that."

He then expertly polished off a double scotch and stumbled out of the bar without paying. The deep-pocketed Clarke covered him explaining, "you have to understand, chumpliness is like Lupus, it's not like he can help it."

The two remaining men then finished their drinks and headed to the House of Lancaster, an area strip joint, for a nightcap where to nobody's surprise they found Brady enjoying a lapdance.

WESTERNER FAILS TO WIN LOTTERY
Winnipeg, MB - Saturday was a sad day at the home of Russ Jackson, who for the third time this month failed to win the ballooning Super 7 lottery. The jackpot estimated at $19 million was reportedly won by Jocko Thomas, an 87 year-old retired Ontario factory worker.

"It's a major disappointment," said a visibly upset Jackson. "I could have done so much more with the cash than the miserable old coot that won. Think about it - fast cars, Thai whores, designer drugs - that old bastard will probably buy a new f***ing RV."

Despite the setback Jackson says he will continue buying lottery tickets. "By my figuring it's only a matter of time until I win. I just hope it happens while I'm still young enough to get it up without any chemical or mechanical assistance."