BLIND SEEN LEADING BLIND ON MUSEUM TOUR
New York, NY - In a scene that looked like it belonged in an early Woody Allen film, a group of blind Japanese tourists was spotted touring the Museum of Modern Art with blind tour guide John Kalangis (above). Kalangis, who recently lost a long battle with glaucoma, had often boasted that he "had done the tour so many times [he] could do it with [his] eyes closed."

Fearful of a costly discrimination suit, Museum directors decided to let Kalangis put his money where his mouth is, by allowing the long-time employee to continue leading the daily 1:00, 3:00 and 5:00 PM tours.

Sarah Stephens, an N.Y.U. art history student, was among the bemused spectators to witness the tour. "I was checking out Cezanne's The Bather when suddenly I heard what sounded like a hail storm. When I turned around I saw a mob of blind tourists moving through the room banging those little white cains on the marble floor. It made quite a ruckus."

Alistair Wallace, a gift shop employee and close friend of Kalangis, also observed the strange event. "John really looked like he had his hands full. He was pointing at all the correct paintings, but the group still seemed disoriented to me. They were wandering all over the place. I saw one poor chap snap a whole roll of film with the lens cap still on."

When pressed Kalangis agreed the tour did not go smoothly. "To be honest, it wasn't a good fit. If I could do it over again I probably would ask Meredith Vuchnich, the 12:00, 2:00 and 4:00 PM guide, to cover for me."

Moritsugu Tours, the travel agents who made the original booking, are reportedly considering a museum offer to re-take the tour with Vuchnich as the guide.

NEW YORK CRIMINAL PLANS TO RELOCATE
New York, NY - Fed up with falling crime rates and safer neighbourhoods, Brooklyn native Jamie Phelan has announced plans to relocate to Baltimore. The career criminal, whose lengthy rap sheet includes convictions for grand theft auto and aggravated assault, claims that a cleaned-up New York leaves him little choice but to look for criminal opportunities elsewhere.

"Used to be, back in the day, a guy could count on witnesses being too scared to testify or cops being too lazy to chase you. Not anymore, not since f***ing 9/11" groused Phelan at his press conference.

An increased police presence in the city core as well as a swelling municipal pride has the frustrated felon at the end of his rope. "The pigs are ruining the city. If this constant badgering keeps up all the criminals will leave - then whose gonna be sorry?"

Bambi Alvia, a buxom streetwalker, who pre-9/11 made a killing picking up johns in Times Square, echoed Phelan's sentiment, "I don't know what's up at City Hall, but if I keep getting busted I may have to leave the city. I hear they love whores in Detroit, maybe I'll check it out."

In a press release, the Mayor's office stated that, "although we will be sad to see [Phelan] move on, we wanted him to know New York's thoughts and prayers are with him and if things don't work out in Baltimore, he should give Philadelphia a whirl."

CHOCOLATE CAKE TOUTED AS CURE TO CANCER
Kiev, Ukraine - In a breakthrough study to be published in the February edition of the Russian Medical Journal, Ukranian scientists have made the stunning claim that eating an entire chocolate cake every day greatly reduces the chances of suffering from cancer.

In the study, funded by NESTLES, two hundred healthy men in their forties were monitored over a two-year period in which they consumed a full chocolate cake every morning for breakfast. At the same time a control group of two hundred men continued with their regular diets.

At the conclusion of the study only two men in the cake group had cancer while twenty-three men in the control group were suffering from the terrible disease.

Dr. David Burtnick, the study's chief author, called the results, "an important first step in the war against cancer." As for the sixty-eight men in the cake group who had mysteriously died of heart disease, Burtnick added, "with every war there are casualties, those men's contributions will not be forgotten."

Other side effects in the cake group included significant weight gain, bad acne and loss of self-esteem resulting in a disturbingly high rate of divorce.

Not to be outdone the American Medical Association is reportedly considering a similar experiment that will study the consumption of double-bacon cheeseburgers as a viable cancer deterrent.

INSURANCE UNDERWRITER DEMANDS TRADE TO AUTO PARTS RETAILER
Ithica, NY - Unhappy with his job as an insurance underwriter at Clarke, Brady & Farr, Malcolm Sinclair has demanded a trade. The miffed employee is said to be eyeing a junior executive position at auto parts giant COMRAX.

Sinclair's publicist claims his client's trade demand "is not about the money, it's about a clear lack of respect from management."

Jennifer Sherwood, a co-worker of the disenchanted Sinclair, believes the "respect" issue is a smokescreen. "They treat us great here. Malcolm's problem is his lavish lifestyle. He knows he can't support that here, so he looks at COMRAX and what he sees are deep pockets."

Zoe Clarke, Sinclair's immediate superior, is definitely unhappy with her bitter employee. "First he wanted new I Love N.Y. mugs in the coffee room - we accommodated him. Then he wanted a parking space closer to the chip truck - I gave him mine. Where does it end?"

"She doesn't know what she's talking about," responded the beleaguered Sinclair. "I tried to make it work there, I really did. I wish them the best, but I have to do what's best for me and my family."

Peter Brady, the firm's CEO and the man who first recruited Sinclair out of Rutgers, is hurt by his disgruntled employee's stance. "I have to say, the 'family' thing is a mystery to me. Malcolm is single and as far as I know, his only living relative is his estranged brother Phil, a prominent Louisville dentist."

Lawyers for both sides have filed affidavits with the courts and are digging in for what pundits agree will be a long and messy fight.

FUGITIVE DWARF FINDS SANCTUARY IN POPE'S HAT
Vatican City - An angry dwarf wanted by the FBI is believed to be hiding out in Pope John Paul's hat. The dwarf who stands a mere 26 inches, diminutive even by Dwarf standards, had recently been added to the FBI's Top Ten Most Wanted List after initiating a mean-spirited letter writing campaign aimed at NBA legend Kareem Abdul-Jabbar in which he accused the Hall-of-Famer of being both "tall and mean."

Although it is widely known the Aged Pontiff has a soft spot for circus freaks, a high ranking Vatican official offered only the perfunctory "no comment" when asked whether the fugitive dwarf was in fact lodging in the Holy Father's hat. The U.S. State Department is said to be considering cutting off diplomatic ties with the Vatican if the situation is not resolved soon.

ANGRY LEPRECHAUNS RIOT IN BELFAST
Belfast, Ireland - The streets of Belfast are ablaze as a marauding mob of Leprechauns, angry at the passing of another St. Patrick's Day, lay siege to a terrified city. Addressing an emergency sitting of the Irish Parliament, Fintan Robb a spokesman for Sinn Leprechaun, the political wing of the Leprechauns, blamed the violence on "poor holiday planning."

When asked to elaborate he added, "Look around the world, everybody has lots of holidays - the Jews have Hanukkah, Rosh Hashana, Purim. The Christians have Easter, Christmas, Fat Tuesday. It's just not fair!"

Former Boomtown Rat frontman Bob Geldoff has been dispatched to mediate the dispute. The Leprechauns are believed to be demanding that a second St. Patrick's Day, to fall sometime in July or August, be added to the calendar.

Sources indicate the Leprechauns are willing to call off their attack and lay down their weapons in exchange for the new holiday. A sizeable pot of gold was reportedly delivered to Geldoff as a show of good faith.

Negotiations are scheduled to continue through the weekend.